Emotions....

Absolute elation and terror...Can two emotions at opposite ends of the spectrum coexist? I am here to tell you they can, and they do. It's like a battle of good and evil. Pregnancy hormones are cruel in their own right but this is just down right wrong. I'm afraid to say them out loud to most people for fear they will think I'm either crazy or just a downright pessimist. it's really not pessimism at all though it's reality, our reality. We have learned the hard way pregnancy does not guarantee a baby at the end of this journey. So this is just the beginning of a very long and tiring road that I pray has the most incredible beautiful sounds at the end. Some moments I feel very positive and this is going to happen, and others I think I am destined to lose another baby, because even though I have three living breathing children running around what is forefront in my mind is a beautiful silent baby, and those are the emotions that are closest. I want to be excited and buy diapers, and clothes and "things" but I just can't at least right now I can't even think about it. The thought of having to return all that stuff again and disassemble the baby room is just beyond my realm of thinking. I have a wonderful friend who did all that stuff for me and if nothing else I could never put her thru that again. Ava said to me the other day " Maybe I will get to see this baby this time". She was having a hard time thinking about me going to the hospital with Maya so we told her you can buy the baby a balloon. So that same night she said " And maybe Daddy will let me buy a balloon this time, bc I didn't get to last time". The burning starts in my throat and the tears start to pour and all I can say is I hope so too baby. I know she's only 4 but the last thing I will tell any of my children is it's going to be ok this time. I say all we can do is pray, and pray we do. However I did venture into the baby section the other day for the first time in almost a year. There was a quiet burn, especially when I saw things I had gotten for Maya, but it wasn't a stabbing pain like it was before. There is hope in the air and in my soul, and I thank God for it when the good out weighs the evil, it's a feeling I hope I don't have to let go of. This baby is currently the size of a sweet pea; do you have any idea how much love you can have for something so small? No one will ever replace Maya, and she knows that bc I told her so and so has her daddy, but we do feel like we are getting another chance to rewrite the ending of a beautiful love story.