Under The Microscope

Weekly doctors appts, Bi-weekly growth scans, weekly progesterone injections and daily fetal monitoring Oh My!!!!
 So I was worried this would be the longest pregnancy in history but so far I have been wrong all of the above makes it seem pretty fast when you are measuring time from the next appt to the next injection. These doctors are not playing around and I couldn't be more pleased. I was on progesterone bc my levels were a little low in the beginning that was thru 12 weeks. Then the injections started at around 17 weeks to keep from having preterm labor and to help premature water breaking. A nurse came out and taught Brian how to do it so now we get the meds and do them ourselves. He's doing a great job! They don't hurt at all, but I don't mind shots either so I guess that's why. But now that we have been doing them for weeks I now get bruised the next day you can't see anything but if I sit wrong it feels like I've been hit in the lower hip upper butt area. But I don't mind bc it really does seem to be helping I have had less braxton hicks contractions than any other pregnancy I.ve had yet so I know they are doing their job. And it helps count down the weeks too:)
 I see perinatologists that do a growth scan every other week and that means I get to see my sweet girl again, and yes they check every time she is still a girl, after more than 10 sonos I'm feeling pretty confident it's ok to buy pink. They check her out from head to toe all organs, cord and make sure blood flow is good at the placenta to make sure everything is still attached correctly. So far so good.
 My ob, queen of the obs, also likes to take peeks almost every visit, who am I to argue! It has been decided that I will be admitted into the antepartum unit of labor and delivery on jan 30th. Where I will stay hooked up to monitors and just sit and bake until somewhere between feb 17th and 24th. We will discuss in that week when she will grace us with her magnificent presence I will be 35 to 36 weeks then. We know this time is not going to be easy waiting, worrying, but if jan 30th could just get here I would breathe a little easier knowing I'm hooked up and there in case something were to happen again.
 For anyone who doesn't know this precious babys name and the meaning behind it...Arabella Grace she will be called Ella Grace. Arabella was Brians Great grandmas name he said he would like to use it, when I looked up the meaning, which really never mattered to me, means answered prayer. It brought tears to my eyes and I knew that was her name, no doubt about it. Grace means gift from God and I knew last year if I ever had another daughter that would be her middle name. And finally Ella means ray of light, and that she is our light at the end of the tunnel. There is a lot of heavy meaning for this tiny baby, and she has this huge job ahead of her which includes constant unconditional love, kisses, rocking and people fighting over needing to be with her, I hope shes up for the task:) Bc I can pretty much swear on anything you put in front of me this baby isn't going to not be in someones arms until she says put me down!!
 We have our ups and downs getting thru this. Ava took a really long time to connect, Hunter seemed to connect right away, he actually told me the day I came home last time I hope you have another baby and I hope it's a girl. Spencer still is very kept at bay, partly I know is his age, but he also has not told one of his friends I am pregnant. I know its so he doesn't have to tell them if something happens. He has walls like his mama, which I guess I'm really not proud of, but totally get where he's coming from. I refuse to tell any of them it's going to be ok this time. Bc I don't know that, I say pray about it, and we hope, and we are doing everything possible for a different outcome. I can't lie to them when I also can not get myself to buy anything that can't be returned, and what I do buy I have an envelope full of receipts that are labeled god forbid someone is delegated that job again. I can't help it I'm a realist, I know it can happen better to be prepared than caught off guard again.
 That said though............. I love being pregnant with this little girl. It's not easy at 39, however I don't mind every snap crackle and pop my hips and back do when I stand up. I love the roundness of my tummy! I could care less about weight gain this time. I relish every time she kicks, punches and squirms. It is the most spectacular amazing moments of my day, I'm not taking any of it for granted. When she wakes me in the morning I thank God for another day that her heart is beating. Im late getting out of bed bc I would rather play with my sweet girl. Every time I threw up, every nap I need and injection I get equals priclessness if in 10 weeks we are looking in each others eyes and I can hear her voice.

New Things To Come.....

Anyone who knows me knows I don't do well with change. But obviously this is something that I have to get over on a daily basis. If I have learned nothing over the course of the past year it's that I really don't have control over a damn thing. Accept my attitude in how I handle the change that is, which for me again is a daily struggle. To give up the power and the uncertainty and know that someone bigger than me "has got this covered".
 Today is the first of many new firsts for this year, today is the first day of school. Today I dropped off my now fourth grader and as I watched him walk into school realized he is now one of the oldest in the school, he is the "big" kid that all the new kindergartners will look up to in awe. And as I watch him walk thru the doors sporting his cool new haircut and his slingback backpack he couldn't wait to get he looks confident, excited and ready to start the year. I also know this because he talked my ear off from the moment he got up, this tells me he's busting at the seems with excitement.
 I also dropped my middle schooler off today......That one not so easy. Spencer....my silent one, is quiet in the car just watching out the window. I say you ok? He says yes just nauseous because I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't dare tell him no it's because you are scarred. Ok I said you'll sleep better tonight. He also looking very cool with his haircut and new clothes. And while we walk into school together i look over and he's my height, he's not a little boy, he's a young man. After finding out where he needs to go we stop in the hallway, he starts to step forward towards me i know out of habit for a kiss....then he steps back looks in my eyes and says bye mom. It's not cool to get a kiss from your mom in 7th grade in the hallway. And as I look at him unlike his brother I don't see confidence. I see uncertainty, anxiety and even though he's starting to look like a man his eyes look like a scared little boy. And all I can do in that moment in put my fist out for a bump, because that's acceptable in the 7th grade hallway, say i love you you're gonna do great!
 I watched him walk thru the double doors into the courtyard, he didn't look back. All I could think was God pls watch over him, help him make the right choices. And hope that Brian and I so far have given him the tools to take the right paths and make the right choices. I just held his chubby little hand and walked him into kindergarten it seems; and he had the same unsure little boy eyes that day as he did today. But back then I had more control, it was ok to hug in that hallway....ok to watch him from the door with tears in my eyes. This time it isn't he's growing up, and I again have to change and accept that he will be making choices daily and not include me in many of them. Yes....it is so hard to let go and hope that you are doing enough to carry them thru.
 I couldn't stand at the door and cry this time, because I don't want him to be "that kid" with a weepy mom!  So I waited until I got in my car...........

Emotions....

Absolute elation and terror...Can two emotions at opposite ends of the spectrum coexist? I am here to tell you they can, and they do. It's like a battle of good and evil. Pregnancy hormones are cruel in their own right but this is just down right wrong. I'm afraid to say them out loud to most people for fear they will think I'm either crazy or just a downright pessimist. it's really not pessimism at all though it's reality, our reality. We have learned the hard way pregnancy does not guarantee a baby at the end of this journey. So this is just the beginning of a very long and tiring road that I pray has the most incredible beautiful sounds at the end. Some moments I feel very positive and this is going to happen, and others I think I am destined to lose another baby, because even though I have three living breathing children running around what is forefront in my mind is a beautiful silent baby, and those are the emotions that are closest. I want to be excited and buy diapers, and clothes and "things" but I just can't at least right now I can't even think about it. The thought of having to return all that stuff again and disassemble the baby room is just beyond my realm of thinking. I have a wonderful friend who did all that stuff for me and if nothing else I could never put her thru that again. Ava said to me the other day " Maybe I will get to see this baby this time". She was having a hard time thinking about me going to the hospital with Maya so we told her you can buy the baby a balloon. So that same night she said " And maybe Daddy will let me buy a balloon this time, bc I didn't get to last time". The burning starts in my throat and the tears start to pour and all I can say is I hope so too baby. I know she's only 4 but the last thing I will tell any of my children is it's going to be ok this time. I say all we can do is pray, and pray we do. However I did venture into the baby section the other day for the first time in almost a year. There was a quiet burn, especially when I saw things I had gotten for Maya, but it wasn't a stabbing pain like it was before. There is hope in the air and in my soul, and I thank God for it when the good out weighs the evil, it's a feeling I hope I don't have to let go of. This baby is currently the size of a sweet pea; do you have any idea how much love you can have for something so small? No one will ever replace Maya, and she knows that bc I told her so and so has her daddy, but we do feel like we are getting another chance to rewrite the ending of a beautiful love story.

Our road to happily ever after.....

There is a picture that hangs in our porch it has trees lining a dirt path that winds around but you can't see where it leads. Brian asked me one day a few months ago, "where do you think that path leads?" And I said 'to happily ever after." Today when I went to the doctor he texted me and said "this is our beginning to our happily ever after". I pray everyday that he is right. I know it's out there and it's ours for the taking it's just deciding what is right for us and we believe that we have chosen the right path. We want to come full circle with this past year and close this chapter of our lives with and they lived happily ever after. It's what every little girl wants right? That's how all the good books end.
 We have had signs and I believe in signs they are what can help you get thru the toughest of times. A baby that is born after the loss of another baby is called a rainbow baby. And one of my favorite lines from Katy Perry's song "Firework" is "after a hurricane comes a rainbow" I have held onto that line of that song for a long time now. When we were in STL last week we saw a rainbow. Beautiful full distinct colors fading into marshmallow clouds. And all I could think was are you are rainbow, little did I know I would test positive only a few days later. Then a car pulled in front of us on our way home from the airport and his license plates read 005-kds. That to me screamed 5 kids when I saw it but like the rainbow I said nothing just smiled and wondered. And the day before i took the pregnancy test someone put a business card in my front door. It didn't seem like anything it was for tree trimming but on the back was a line from a psalm in the bible. It reads "Delight thyself in the lord;and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Are these signs? Yes I believe they are.

Hope is my favorite word

And has been for many many months now. It embodies everything I feel on a day to day basis. I hope to feel peace. I hope to not feel anger. I hope to just "be" each day. I hope to hold a crying baby in my arms again.
 This past ten months has been a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and yet I wouldn't give it away either because it's mine. It is what helps to make me, me now.....it's part of my make up now. I carry it with me with pride because it's what I have left.
 Our hope has come in the form of a little pink line on a pregnancy test. The hope that we have prayed for for 6 months now. As a matter of fact I realized 6 months to the day that the doctor told it was ok to try again. Another chance to help God in creating another miracle. Ava told me that Mary, as in Jesus' mother, told her she knows what we are going to have and it's a boy. I guess we will see in a few months:) All we care about is that it is a healthy screaming alive baby.
 I drove past a church yesterday and the sign in front read.."Can you feel the hope?" And I can honestly say for the first time in a long time yes I can.