Emotions....

Absolute elation and terror...Can two emotions at opposite ends of the spectrum coexist? I am here to tell you they can, and they do. It's like a battle of good and evil. Pregnancy hormones are cruel in their own right but this is just down right wrong. I'm afraid to say them out loud to most people for fear they will think I'm either crazy or just a downright pessimist. it's really not pessimism at all though it's reality, our reality. We have learned the hard way pregnancy does not guarantee a baby at the end of this journey. So this is just the beginning of a very long and tiring road that I pray has the most incredible beautiful sounds at the end. Some moments I feel very positive and this is going to happen, and others I think I am destined to lose another baby, because even though I have three living breathing children running around what is forefront in my mind is a beautiful silent baby, and those are the emotions that are closest. I want to be excited and buy diapers, and clothes and "things" but I just can't at least right now I can't even think about it. The thought of having to return all that stuff again and disassemble the baby room is just beyond my realm of thinking. I have a wonderful friend who did all that stuff for me and if nothing else I could never put her thru that again. Ava said to me the other day " Maybe I will get to see this baby this time". She was having a hard time thinking about me going to the hospital with Maya so we told her you can buy the baby a balloon. So that same night she said " And maybe Daddy will let me buy a balloon this time, bc I didn't get to last time". The burning starts in my throat and the tears start to pour and all I can say is I hope so too baby. I know she's only 4 but the last thing I will tell any of my children is it's going to be ok this time. I say all we can do is pray, and pray we do. However I did venture into the baby section the other day for the first time in almost a year. There was a quiet burn, especially when I saw things I had gotten for Maya, but it wasn't a stabbing pain like it was before. There is hope in the air and in my soul, and I thank God for it when the good out weighs the evil, it's a feeling I hope I don't have to let go of. This baby is currently the size of a sweet pea; do you have any idea how much love you can have for something so small? No one will ever replace Maya, and she knows that bc I told her so and so has her daddy, but we do feel like we are getting another chance to rewrite the ending of a beautiful love story.

Our road to happily ever after.....

There is a picture that hangs in our porch it has trees lining a dirt path that winds around but you can't see where it leads. Brian asked me one day a few months ago, "where do you think that path leads?" And I said 'to happily ever after." Today when I went to the doctor he texted me and said "this is our beginning to our happily ever after". I pray everyday that he is right. I know it's out there and it's ours for the taking it's just deciding what is right for us and we believe that we have chosen the right path. We want to come full circle with this past year and close this chapter of our lives with and they lived happily ever after. It's what every little girl wants right? That's how all the good books end.
 We have had signs and I believe in signs they are what can help you get thru the toughest of times. A baby that is born after the loss of another baby is called a rainbow baby. And one of my favorite lines from Katy Perry's song "Firework" is "after a hurricane comes a rainbow" I have held onto that line of that song for a long time now. When we were in STL last week we saw a rainbow. Beautiful full distinct colors fading into marshmallow clouds. And all I could think was are you are rainbow, little did I know I would test positive only a few days later. Then a car pulled in front of us on our way home from the airport and his license plates read 005-kds. That to me screamed 5 kids when I saw it but like the rainbow I said nothing just smiled and wondered. And the day before i took the pregnancy test someone put a business card in my front door. It didn't seem like anything it was for tree trimming but on the back was a line from a psalm in the bible. It reads "Delight thyself in the lord;and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Are these signs? Yes I believe they are.

Hope is my favorite word

And has been for many many months now. It embodies everything I feel on a day to day basis. I hope to feel peace. I hope to not feel anger. I hope to just "be" each day. I hope to hold a crying baby in my arms again.
 This past ten months has been a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and yet I wouldn't give it away either because it's mine. It is what helps to make me, me now.....it's part of my make up now. I carry it with me with pride because it's what I have left.
 Our hope has come in the form of a little pink line on a pregnancy test. The hope that we have prayed for for 6 months now. As a matter of fact I realized 6 months to the day that the doctor told it was ok to try again. Another chance to help God in creating another miracle. Ava told me that Mary, as in Jesus' mother, told her she knows what we are going to have and it's a boy. I guess we will see in a few months:) All we care about is that it is a healthy screaming alive baby.
 I drove past a church yesterday and the sign in front read.."Can you feel the hope?" And I can honestly say for the first time in a long time yes I can.