Anyone who knows me knows I don't do well with change. But obviously this is something that I have to get over on a daily basis. If I have learned nothing over the course of the past year it's that I really don't have control over a damn thing. Accept my attitude in how I handle the change that is, which for me again is a daily struggle. To give up the power and the uncertainty and know that someone bigger than me "has got this covered".
Today is the first of many new firsts for this year, today is the first day of school. Today I dropped off my now fourth grader and as I watched him walk into school realized he is now one of the oldest in the school, he is the "big" kid that all the new kindergartners will look up to in awe. And as I watch him walk thru the doors sporting his cool new haircut and his slingback backpack he couldn't wait to get he looks confident, excited and ready to start the year. I also know this because he talked my ear off from the moment he got up, this tells me he's busting at the seems with excitement.
I also dropped my middle schooler off today......That one not so easy. Spencer....my silent one, is quiet in the car just watching out the window. I say you ok? He says yes just nauseous because I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't dare tell him no it's because you are scarred. Ok I said you'll sleep better tonight. He also looking very cool with his haircut and new clothes. And while we walk into school together i look over and he's my height, he's not a little boy, he's a young man. After finding out where he needs to go we stop in the hallway, he starts to step forward towards me i know out of habit for a kiss....then he steps back looks in my eyes and says bye mom. It's not cool to get a kiss from your mom in 7th grade in the hallway. And as I look at him unlike his brother I don't see confidence. I see uncertainty, anxiety and even though he's starting to look like a man his eyes look like a scared little boy. And all I can do in that moment in put my fist out for a bump, because that's acceptable in the 7th grade hallway, say i love you you're gonna do great!
I watched him walk thru the double doors into the courtyard, he didn't look back. All I could think was God pls watch over him, help him make the right choices. And hope that Brian and I so far have given him the tools to take the right paths and make the right choices. I just held his chubby little hand and walked him into kindergarten it seems; and he had the same unsure little boy eyes that day as he did today. But back then I had more control, it was ok to hug in that hallway....ok to watch him from the door with tears in my eyes. This time it isn't he's growing up, and I again have to change and accept that he will be making choices daily and not include me in many of them. Yes....it is so hard to let go and hope that you are doing enough to carry them thru.
I couldn't stand at the door and cry this time, because I don't want him to be "that kid" with a weepy mom! So I waited until I got in my car...........
